The Forgetful Frog #19: Saving Grace

The Forgetful Frog
By The Forgetful Frog April 10, 2016 15:19


Read earlier Forgetful Frog entries at Readers’ Journal.

By The Forgetful Frog

I don’t recall writing for quite a while. When will I remember that writing is a saving grace for me? I become completely disoriented, with no idea what day of the week, what month of the year, or even what year we are in. I am bewildered.

It seems like I should be more accustomed, by now, to my situation. In fact, I usually feel quite guilty that I am still such a lame partner for my husband. And I am using that word both figuratively and literally.

If I could, I would eat myself to sleep on cheese pizza, and never wake up again. I feel like a burden to my beloved husband, much more often and more strongly than I feel like a joy to him. And I don’t feel like I am doing anything helpful for anyone. I suppose that my constant pondering of how I can help with volunteer work comes from a need to justify my life. I don’t feel like I am contributing. And, my entire adult life, until now, has circled around activities meant to help others. I don’t need to save the world, or do anything especially striking. But some small contribution is needed for me to feel happy.

In fact, it seems likely that my primary reason for writing is the constant hope that someone, somewhere, will be helped, in some small way, by reading my sentences. Now that I have put words to the frustration, I am certain that this is entirely why I write.

I know I wrote a while ago that I write to “get words out of my head.” However, I could just blurt the words out to the heavens, if that were my only motivation. I realize now that I want to get them out of my head, and into the mind of someone who may benefit, even slightly, from them.

I have always valued unguarded stories that share the foibles of others. It’s probably because of my anonymity, but I am more than happy to share mine. If there is someone out there who will feel slightly encouraged, or slightly less mortified, by reading my misadventures, I am pleased to oblige.

The fact is, I have become accustomed to my weaknesses, shortcomings, and outright failings, all being witnessed daily. If I ever had pride of presentation, it is gone. I galumph my way through a restaurant to a table, and blunder my way into a chair. It’s uncomfortable to attract attention this way, but it is infinitely preferable to always eating at home. I feel bad for my dear husband, but he never seems to act like he’s embarrassed. Either he’s above it, or he’s a good actor. Either way, I am still able to enjoy restaurants, thanks to him.

I realize it probably gets dull, my singing the praises of my husband. The fact of the matter is, I never stop marveling at his generosity of spirit, energy, and wit.

It’s like Christmas for me, since I decided that I can use the walker indefinitely. Life seems much kinder and simpler today. Maybe, in the long run, I will use the cane. Maybe, one day even, I will walk unaided. For now, though, I am thrilled to identify as a walker user. This reconciliation makes me feel much stronger.

I know that I definitely want to keep writing. But I cannot recall what I was planning to write. I am haunted by a desire to write children’s stories starring Froggy. Maybe I have even started.

Froggy lost his balance, and toppled to the floor. His cane clattered as it hit. Tess immediately swooped down from her perch, and enfolded him in her wings. Her large yellow eyes seemed both happy and sad.
“I’m glad you’re okay!” The beautiful bird was stroking his forehead with her wingtip as she spoke. Froggy was shaken, and embarrassed. “That was a precarious moment,” Tess exclaimed.
“I’m sorry I scared you,” Froggy said, sheepishly.
 Tess smiled and said kindly, “It takes more than that to scare a great horned owl.” She helped him to the sofa, and returned to her perch.
To be continued…

The author, who asks to remain anonymous, is a foothills resident in her 50s who writes with the help of a computer tablet and speech-recognition software. She hopes that her notes on coping with the physical and emotional aspects of disability will help others facing difficult challenges know that they are not alone.
The Forgetful Frog
By The Forgetful Frog April 10, 2016 15:19
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1 Comment

  1. THD April 11, 07:52

    This is a lovely, thoughtful read. And yes, please, I want to read more about Froggy and his cane.

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