The Forgetful Frog #14: Banish Fear!

The Forgetful Frog
By The Forgetful Frog January 8, 2016 11:07

forgetful-frog-image3-300x2301-300x230-13Some days, my lack of fluidity or continuity in time is more pronounced, and some days it is less. Today, my lack of continuity is expressing itself in the extreme. I can see by the clock on my iPad that it is almost noon, but I have no awareness of anything that has happened today.

I am dressed, and I am sure that I have had coffee. Come to think of it, I recall a bowl of cereal. I’m sure my husband is downstairs in his studio.

I have walked a bit with my cane , and I think that went okay. I am not supposed to do that when my husband is not nearby. But I do think I am becoming a bit more confident with it. I think I have crocheted a bit, and read some news online.

My husband is disgusted with me, I think. Once again, a migraine headache prevented me from going to appointments in San Francisco. These appointments are difficult to schedule and my husband does it all. I am thinking, for the first time, that I may be finished traveling to San Francisco for medical care. It’s a long and difficult trip. At least for maintenance, I may be finished with those trips.

In point of fact, I have spent today thinking I may be finished with all this complex medical care. It’s not as if I’m curing cancer or creating an important work of art. At some point, perhaps, the costs truly do begin to outweigh the benefits of continuing to carry on.

Sadly, I am not certain, at this moment, that I am a joy to my husband, overall. And if not, then truly, what is the point? It’s so incredibly demanding to continue, and I am beginning to wonder about my reasons. I am trying to identify a meaningful contribution I can make, but without much success. Increasingly, I imagine my husband could be happy with someone else.

I often think of all the good people who have died early. And increasingly, I can’t see any big reason for me to go to great lengths to continue, if nature seems to go otherwise.

Banish fear!

I have spent the better part of yet another day searching online for volunteer opportunities. I am sad and frustrated by the number of hours I have spent doing this over the last several months. However, I am slightly pleased that the repeated aggravation seems to have enabled me to identify this pattern, and give up on the search that much more quickly. In the end, returning to my blog is always the most satisfying thing for me to do.

I love my blog! I suppose that it is so much fun for me that it does not feel like a contribution. But if I assume that it has some inherent value, then writing it is precisely everything I want in my occupation. I can work on it as much or as little as I want. And I can do it whenever it is the best time for me. The only reason I ever stray, and begin looking for other things, is my creeping fear that it is without value.

Where and when do some of us get the notion that anything we do must be meaningful? Must make a difference? Why did I never internalize the notion that, by doing something we love, we are helping make the world better? I must try to remind myself every day. Because, the truth is, I love writing my little blog! And if it is helpful in some way, to some person or people, then so much the better. In any case, it certainly does not hurt anyone, and it does give me immense satisfaction.

Froggy fell over one day
The reason he can’t really say
One minute standing
The next, he was landing
His objective much further away.

He sat there rubbing his head
Noting the dangers of leaving one’s bed
Should I give up my goal
And retreat to my hole?
No! I’m dusting myself off instead.

To be continued…

The author, who asks to remain anonymous, is a foothills resident in her 50s who writes with the help of a computer tablet and speech-recognition software. She hopes that her notes on coping with the physical and emotional aspects of disability will help others facing difficult challenges know that they are not alone.


The Forgetful Frog
By The Forgetful Frog January 8, 2016 11:07
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