How could a guy forget sex in the parking lot?

Chris Bateman
By Chris Bateman February 8, 2014 17:11

doc-pigI wrote not one but two blog posts about it nearly a year ago.

Not only did it get TV, newspaper and online coverage across the nation, but spurred speculation the barbecued chicken that may have inspired it included a secret love potion.

It prompted thousands of online comments, “Go Granny go!!” “They should have been cited for being awesome in their age,” and “Stop! In the name of love,” among them.

“It’s Sonora’s annual 15 minutes of fame,” I added in the first of my posts (although it actually lasted 30 minutes, say witnesses)

Yet inexplicably I failed to include the incident in my just-posted Bottom 10 stories for 2013.

So what did I miss?

A Sonora Police officer’s Feb. 12, 2013 citation of a couple – she 72 and he 62 – caught having sex in the back seat of a Ford Taurus. Having sex, millions learned within hours, while parked in front of a Sonora barbecue joint. In broad daylight. And as customers gaped at the rocking Taurus from the restaurant’s windows.

Instead, I ranked stories about a man biting a dog, a swarm of flies on Sonora’s Washington Street, and a naked thief in San Andreas – stuff that happens all the time – on a conspicuously sex-free 2013 Bottom 10.

What was I thinking?

Well, in a postscript I did concede that I had a sneaking suspicion that I had forgotten something “really big and really stupid.” And I welcomed reader help as to what that missing item might be.

Nancy Abbott, former Friends and Neighbors editor and proofreader par excellence, was the first to respond. I never take her input lightly.

Nancy, you see, routinely catches reversed accent marks, misspelled words in Slavic languages, calculus errors far to the right of the decimal point, longitudinal anomalies, apostrophic catastrophes, tension between the tenses, and much more. I think she might know what a gerund is, and rumors are afoot that she diagrams sentences in her spare time.

That said, Nancy is very nice and said my post was “hilarious and entertaining” before politely pointing out my omission.

She didn’t say so, but my Bottom 10 gaffe is like forgetting to include the New York Yankees from a list of great baseball teams, Abraham Lincoln from a list of famous presidents or Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus from a list of youngsters all Americans can be proud of.

So how did I miss 2013’s galavanting geezers?

Well, they made the news very early last year, were talked about plenty, instantly become something of a rural legend, then promptly receded into the past as local men again resumed biting local dogs.

So when I began putting together last year’s compendium of Mother Lode idiocy, our randy oldsters weren’t in the running. Because, I figured, they had cavorted back in 2012. Or was it 2011? (See my post of Jan. 24 for further explanation my thought process – or lack of same).

In any case, with a nod to Nancy, I stand corrected. Please insert the following item at the top of 2013’s Bottom 10. As such, it is the newly crowned Best of the Worst:

1. Next time, get a room: After meeting then hitting it off over barbecued chicken at Doc’s Texas BBQ in Sonora last February, a 62-year-old gent and a female companion 10 years his senior at 12:45 p.m. adjourned to her Ford Taurus in the restaurant parking lot. Apparently without the time – and certainly without the inclination – to seek an even slightly more secluded venue, the pair commenced to cavort and quickly drew the attention of Doc’s patrons and of its owner, who called the cops. The resulting citation went viral amid a nationwide chorus of snickers and wisecracks. Rightly figuring that the terminally mortified “suspects” in this case had suffered enough, the Tuolumne County District Attorney’s Office gracefully and compassionately declined to press charges.

Of course, where there are winners, there are losers: Those keeping score should delete the Great April Fly Swarm, formerly No. 10 on the 2013 list. Or the flies can stay and we’ll make last year’s the Bottom 11.




Chris Bateman
By Chris Bateman February 8, 2014 17:11
Write a comment

No Comments

No Comments Yet

Let me tell you a sad story. There are no comments yet, but yours can be the first!

Write a comment
View comments

Write a comment

Your e-mail address will not be published.
Required fields are marked*