And yet, according to Patrick Arbore, 63, a gerontology expert with the Institute on Aging in San Francisco, aging baby boomers are perhaps less prepared to deal with grief than any prior generation.

“We don’t want to suffer at all,” says Arbore, who founded and directs the institute’s Center for Elderly Suicide Prevention and Grief Related Services. “We may have become a culture that tries not to feel.”

However, with aging and the life experiences of 40, 50, 60 or more years, loss and suffering are inevitable.

For those who haven’t been raised to understand suffering as a natural part of life, Arbore offers a reminder: Grief is not a disease. Feeling sad or depressed is a normal reaction to loss and life’s other struggles.

Arbore’s introduction to the continuum of life came during his childhood on a Pennsylvania farm. He witnessed the birth, lifespan and death of pets and farm animals, experiencing the natural pain and suffering that the loss of beloved animal companions could cause.

Arbore encourages those who are grieving to allow the natural process to unfold. “Sit in the sadness,” he advises. “Sit in the feelings. When emotions go unexpressed, we can become depressed, irritable and emotionally unavailable.”

“Men often have difficulty acknowledging depressed feelings,” he notes, “because men and boys are often discouraged from showing emotion.”

The grief process is a time to allow tears to flow and feelings of loss and sadness to emerge.

“Consider journaling or writing a letter to your dead loved one telling them how your life is now and since their death,” suggests Arbore. “Grief isn’t about forgetting, it is about integrating loss.”

When you have had enough sadness, it’s okay to take a break. “You need respite from strong emotion,” he says. Try going to the movies, getting lost in a good book, or taking a walk.

Reaching out to friends who are good listeners, a support group or a therapist can also help with the integration process, not only for the current loss, but for previous losses now demanding attention.

Grieving the suicide of a loved one can be especially challenging. For most, such loss is exacerbated by a deep sense of guilt. In Arbore’s experience, it takes lots of time and talking about it, to integrate the grief and reduce the guilt.

He also firmly believes that people die the way they want to. Neither he nor his brother was actually present when his mother died, although both would have chosen to be. “My mother was very private,” he says. “Sometimes very private people choose to die this way.”

While no one can predict the full impact of a loved one’s death, change for those left behind is inevitable. “When someone dies, everything changes,” says Arbore. “It’s not that you won’t be whole, but you will be different.”

He offers this advice: Know that grieving is not a straight line. You’ll go in and out of the various stages. It’s helpful to talk to someone who is able to just listen – friend or therapist. Consider a support group. Be alert to your own needs; if you don’t want to do something, don’t.

Use the word dead. Don’t water it down. The person is not on vacation, they are dead – feel the pain. Don’t worry if tears come with the memories: It’s part of the integration process. In fact, crying releases stress and produces endorphins that help reduce the pain of suffering.

Arbore reminds us not to place a time limit on grief. “It takes as long as it takes,” he says.

© 2011 Friends and Neighbors Magazine